On bridging the gap

Tears still threaten my eyes every time I think about what he said a couple of nights ago. It stings my heart in ways I can't seem to understand. The feeling of being broken, and yet feeling the regret of not being able to portray the role that I should play. It all started with that wrong move to convince him to stop doing something. Something that I know could cause him harm. I know my intentions were good, but I also know that the trick I played was far from good. I guess, I must have made him get the wrong message. It was such a wrong move to try to trick him into choosing between me, and that hobby that I would like him to quit. I thought, it would somehow make him choose to let that vice go. But I was wrong. No he didn't chose that vice over me, but he made me realize how wrong I was for making him feel that I can manage to let him go just because he didn't fit into what I thought was ideal. It ignited the explosion if his emotions. Just as my heart started to burn as well, when he voiced out how selfish I am. I was hurt for being told that I am selfish, when all I wanted to do was to stop him from doing something that could harm him in the long run. It wasn't even for myself, it was for him. Because I care, and I love him that much. From there, he was able to tell me that at times, he feels uncomfortable being around me. Somehow, he's not free. He has been keeping a part of himself because of the fear that I might be mad at him. He even pointed my selfishness when he said that he always follow what I want him to do everytime we are together, and that sometimes he feels like a joke. And then he mentioned the gap between us, that he cannot seem to fathom. After reading his message, I felt weak. Maybe because I am guilty. Maybe because at some point in our relationship, I know I have failed. How can I bridge that gap? How will I know how he want to deal with all these things when he clearly said that he's not the type who's fond of opening himself up with someone? It makes me even more sad to realize how much I've failed. I already know that he's not that open to express his thoughts and feelings to anyone. I should have done something to make him feel that I am someone whom he can trust his feelings with. I should have been that someone whom he can lean on when he can't voice out his thoughts. I should have been the one whom he can be with and be himself comfortably. He should feel free to be himself when he is around me. But I failed. I failed to be all those, because I have been selfish. I only wanted what was good for him, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I have been pushing him too hard. I thought I was helping him, but maybe he felt like he's losing himself along the way. I don't want him to lose himself. And I really want to bridge that gap that he's referring to... I pray that we both could.

Positivity please!

This day, I have been thinking about the different complaints I usually hear everyday. I am not saying that I never complain. I do. But its just that I am not fond of doing it every single moment of my day. Most often, I hear it from the people around me. And I don't know, sometimes the negative vibe it brings seems to linger in my being. It drags my feeling somewhere undesirable. I just wish people would see the light in many things. I wish they'd see more of the positive side of things, that they won't dwell on the bad things and complain about it all the time. I need more of the positive vibe... Can we still make this world a happy place? Perhaps?

At Twenty-Three

At 23, there's a lot of things going on in my head. And sometimes I get a little (or not-so-little), frustrated. I guess, I am at a certain age when I am confused with living the serious adult life, or enjoying the care-free moments of my youth. Some days, I'd like to go out on adventures, you know, the kind of outdoor adventures I usually see on the trending list. I'd picture myself enjoying and chilling with the people I like to be with.

And then on some others days, I think like a grown-up woman with dreams, plans and ambitions. I think of how I can become a better person. I think of how I can make myself successful in the future. And there's this drive to push myself hard in order to achieve all that I have in mind.

And in some days, when I am too tired or too lazy to think, I just sit back. Basically waiting for what's going to happen next. Not much pressure, just going with flow...

Among the three, I like the second one the most. It gives me some sense of direction. So that is actually why I am quite baffled right now, I mean I'm not so certain on how begin. How should a 23-year old soul, with big dreams, start? In what way? Where?

I'm Back!

Woah! Ok!So this is it! Its been, what? 4 years? 4 not-so-long years, perhaps. I don't really know what pushed me today to try to open this blogger account, which I have almost forgotten, by the way. So now, I have decided to go back to writing. Oh Yeah! I miss writing. I miss expressing my thoughts through writing. I have realized that the hustle and bustle of the "new life" has drifted me away from my first love. And now I have found my way back... I am Back!