On bridging the gap

Tears still threaten my eyes every time I think about what he said a couple of nights ago. It stings my heart in ways I can't seem to understand. The feeling of being broken, and yet feeling the regret of not being able to portray the role that I should play. It all started with that wrong move to convince him to stop doing something. Something that I know could cause him harm. I know my intentions were good, but I also know that the trick I played was far from good. I guess, I must have made him get the wrong message. It was such a wrong move to try to trick him into choosing between me, and that hobby that I would like him to quit. I thought, it would somehow make him choose to let that vice go. But I was wrong. No he didn't chose that vice over me, but he made me realize how wrong I was for making him feel that I can manage to let him go just because he didn't fit into what I thought was ideal. It ignited the explosion if his emotions. Just as my heart started to burn as well, when he voiced out how selfish I am. I was hurt for being told that I am selfish, when all I wanted to do was to stop him from doing something that could harm him in the long run. It wasn't even for myself, it was for him. Because I care, and I love him that much. From there, he was able to tell me that at times, he feels uncomfortable being around me. Somehow, he's not free. He has been keeping a part of himself because of the fear that I might be mad at him. He even pointed my selfishness when he said that he always follow what I want him to do everytime we are together, and that sometimes he feels like a joke. And then he mentioned the gap between us, that he cannot seem to fathom. After reading his message, I felt weak. Maybe because I am guilty. Maybe because at some point in our relationship, I know I have failed. How can I bridge that gap? How will I know how he want to deal with all these things when he clearly said that he's not the type who's fond of opening himself up with someone? It makes me even more sad to realize how much I've failed. I already know that he's not that open to express his thoughts and feelings to anyone. I should have done something to make him feel that I am someone whom he can trust his feelings with. I should have been that someone whom he can lean on when he can't voice out his thoughts. I should have been the one whom he can be with and be himself comfortably. He should feel free to be himself when he is around me. But I failed. I failed to be all those, because I have been selfish. I only wanted what was good for him, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I have been pushing him too hard. I thought I was helping him, but maybe he felt like he's losing himself along the way. I don't want him to lose himself. And I really want to bridge that gap that he's referring to... I pray that we both could.

Positivity please!

This day, I have been thinking about the different complaints I usually hear everyday. I am not saying that I never complain. I do. But its just that I am not fond of doing it every single moment of my day. Most often, I hear it from the people around me. And I don't know, sometimes the negative vibe it brings seems to linger in my being. It drags my feeling somewhere undesirable. I just wish people would see the light in many things. I wish they'd see more of the positive side of things, that they won't dwell on the bad things and complain about it all the time. I need more of the positive vibe... Can we still make this world a happy place? Perhaps?

At Twenty-Three

At 23, there's a lot of things going on in my head. And sometimes I get a little (or not-so-little), frustrated. I guess, I am at a certain age when I am confused with living the serious adult life, or enjoying the care-free moments of my youth. Some days, I'd like to go out on adventures, you know, the kind of outdoor adventures I usually see on the trending list. I'd picture myself enjoying and chilling with the people I like to be with.

And then on some others days, I think like a grown-up woman with dreams, plans and ambitions. I think of how I can become a better person. I think of how I can make myself successful in the future. And there's this drive to push myself hard in order to achieve all that I have in mind.

And in some days, when I am too tired or too lazy to think, I just sit back. Basically waiting for what's going to happen next. Not much pressure, just going with flow...

Among the three, I like the second one the most. It gives me some sense of direction. So that is actually why I am quite baffled right now, I mean I'm not so certain on how begin. How should a 23-year old soul, with big dreams, start? In what way? Where?

I'm Back!

Woah! Ok!So this is it! Its been, what? 4 years? 4 not-so-long years, perhaps. I don't really know what pushed me today to try to open this blogger account, which I have almost forgotten, by the way. So now, I have decided to go back to writing. Oh Yeah! I miss writing. I miss expressing my thoughts through writing. I have realized that the hustle and bustle of the "new life" has drifted me away from my first love. And now I have found my way back... I am Back!

Crazy little thing called L-O-V-E

...How crazy do you think LOVE is?
I guess, it's crazy in the sense that it enables you do things you never thought you could do. It makes you feel things which you don't expect to feel. It's crazy when you have decided not to do things, yet you find yourself doing those in the name of love. It's funny how you change your mind all of a sudden because you claim to be in love.

What is with this word, that makes people go crazy? What aspect of love turns people into someone they never thought they would be?

I am curious, and yet a part of me don't want to know the answers. I guess, I just want it to stay magical. I want it to remain as a mystery, which I would eventually discover along the way.

All I know is that it's a gift. An opportunity and a wonderful experience.

We might have had different encounters regarding this matter, yet I believe that we share something in common. It's the fact that no matter happy, or sad, our love stories were, we LEARN.

Love taught us to believe, to trust, and to share a part of us with others.

It is in love that we learn to understand, to respect and to be honest.

It is in LOVE...

It is love that inspires us to wake up every morning. The thought of having someone to share a cup of coffee with...

It is love that makes us scribble notes in a piece of paper without even realizing that you are doing so...

It is love that allows you to see things in a different pair of eyes...

LOVE is all that and more...

pa utwas...

Often times I ask myself why people do things that would inflict negative emotions to others. May it be sadness, grief, fear, and even anger-name it! But what bothers me most is the fact that I am way too weak to let others know the reasons why I feel all these. I am too scared to express my thoughts, I am too meek to speak and I am so stupid for allowing myself to develop this kind of attitude. I easily get hurt and I always feel this way most of the time, but you will never hear me complain. I will just keep my mouth shut and allow the pain to drift away. I don't want to hurt others and I'm afraid to deliver the wrong idea. People might not understand my words the way I want them to. I hate it when I remain silent even if I might be right. You will only hear me say YES, most of the time. I am very submissive and I find it really hard to refuse. I’d rather agree with you than state what I thought for the fear of being rejected and judged. I don’t want to stain whatever relationship I have with other people, so I opt to suppress my feelings rather than blurting out to them how much I hate it when they do certain things. When you say something, you’ll always see me agree, but what you don’t see is my stand with regards to your statements. I hate it when people make me feel so inferior, it actually hurts (in case they don’t know, or never cared at all).

How am I suppose to function well and do any task when others just can’t seem to give me a chance? How will I learn to express when every time I try to speak, somebody would always point out that I am WRONG? Always wrong. I just hope that these types of people would eventually understand the word – SENSITIVITY. Many would claim that they are sensitive. They may be are, but not enough to care for others’ feelings.

Why am I scared to make decisions involving other people? Not that I don’t know how to decide, but because if I do, I might commit a mistake and drag others in some “not-so-nice” situations. That’s how less I think about myself. I always see myself failing, I am always not good enough and there will always be someone out there who is much better than me. I am doing my best, yet I still can’t seem to prove myself. BUT WHY?

I was once told that being too good is bad. People who are abusive are most likely to attack this type of people. I am not that good, but abusive people still get in my way.

What if I grow tired of listening?…of understanding? What if I lose my patience? What if I can no longer swallow my pride? What if I ran out of tears? What if my heart becomes so full that there’ll be no more space left to suppress my feelings? I’ll just burst and I’ll be shattered into tiny pieces.

I guess I wouldn’t want this to happen. I won’t wait for this moment to come. Because even if this time comes…

Nobody would notice,

Nobody would bother,

Nobody would care…

hmmm....

Why do we get afraid of what lies ahead of us? At times, we would feel uncertain about particular stuffs and then we end up backing up. We get nervous every time we try something new, or even those we've already done yet brings too much fear and anxieties in our hearts.

I'll have to swallow back my fears once again and try to take the challenge. It's not gonna be that easy, there'll be butterflies in my stomach and shivers down my spine. It will all pass. I'll get through this and I'll be giving it my best shot, or at least I hope I could. Everything's gonna be fine, I'm an unshakable optimist, after all. :)